A text of forgetting

by Matthew Stadler


The Cascades train, never really leaving, forever arriving, makes its stately progress north, lumbering along some old track briefly left idle by the freight company that owns it. A Japanese man in the café car drinks at the table across from me, a Budweiser, ho-humming at the sideways advances of this regional express, a lonely snail to the hail of bullets that speeds along back home. It makes no difference to any of us. The train takes the same pace as everything here — this place without speed or slowness, where every passage is, and forever has been, at once instantaneous and interminable. “Off like a herd of turtles,” says the engineer as we lurch to a stop by a bridge.

I’m making deviled eggs. The café car sells a bargain tuna salad that includes a hard boiled egg. Harvesting the condiments — squeeze of mustard, dash of salt and pepper, bit of mayonnaise, relish and soy, just because they have it — I devil the egg and set it atop the pert mound of tuna salad. I would describe the view but it is dark outside, 6 pm on a winter night, and this whole very scenic route will be dark for the however many hours (who cares anyway) it will take before we arrive in Seattle.

Driving a car would be a nightmare on the eight-lane ribbon of interstate that threads this place together, I-5, forever congested and boring and gray. I have pounded my head on steering wheels to stay awake through that 2 or 3 or 5 hour drive. It is a stupor like TV. I see hippies have started a “bio-diesel” bus run that stops only in Olympia (and Portland and Seattle), a geeky short bus featuring reading lights and card tables and games for kids. I suppose I’ll try that some day. But I love the careless irresponsibility of the train.

“Ladies and gentleman, as you sit in your seats gazing out into the darkness, think back 150 years to the age of the pioneers, when intrepid wagon trains made their way across the mountains and into the embryo city of Portland.” The engineer is filling time again. “We at Amtrak want you to experience the same journey, at the same pace…” His audience in the café car is drunk and content and laughs. We have enough food and liquor to feed everyone, at least until morning.

Let me inventory the car. There’s a table of blondes who brought their own champagne. The conductor scolded them when the cork popped and said that “personal alcohol isn’t allowed.” The blondes pouted; he told them to share it and he would turn a blind eye. (I’m the only one who took a glass.) A hooded teen beside them nurses at the teat of a laptop, his face close, puffy headphones over his ears, eyes flickering with light. At the next table a man is reading Bataille, marking it up heavily. It’s The Accursed Share; I believe he’s reading the chapter on the potlatch. An older couple is playing cards, nursing Manhattans from plastic cups, two each, but that’s because the lines are long. Three of us are writing, or doing grown-up things, on our laptops. Those blondes are getting louder, laughing like its Friday.

We’re a rocket out of the 19th century. And then Santa Claus bursts on the scene.